The Case of the Car(ambolage): Episode 3...

Two days ago, I took the bus to work, as I had to bring my poor car to the repair shop. And as always seems to happen lately when I'm without private transportation, I got burdened with the job of personally delivering an important package to Blake and Edwards in person. B&E were well known and respected lawyers. And they also happened to be our oldest and most esteemed clients. It was a rush job. As always. And as always I unthinkingly called up the PFY on my cell phone. Bad habits die hard.

"What death trap of a car are you currently driving, my dear PFY?"

"Heh! A real BMW!"

"Yours?"

"Nope. Cousin of mine got it from his sister's boyfriend's younger brother. We're just going to give it a new paint job."

"So you didn't install any automated five point seatbelts, there aren't any widows that fall out when you roll them up too far, no exploding engine, no tires that will fall off as soon as you hit 60 Km/H? In short, the car can be considered safe?"

"Yeah, it's safe. We're just re-painting it, is all. Need a lift?"

Hm.... The BWM the PFY presented to me in the parking lot looked safe enough. But I had to be sure. I walked around the car, looked under it, kicked the tires, pulled heftily on the seat belts, and closed and opened them several times. Just to be sure. I got in on the passenger side, moving the chair all the way back, as I had noticed there was a passenger air-bag. I had no wish to get stuck in the chair if that thing went off.

Everything seemed to be safe as we drove off.

But noooooo!

We stopped at a red light.

"Hey boss, I don't think you closed your door properly. The display is saying it's still open. Open and slam it shut again, will you?"

So I did as the PFY suggested. I opened my door, and yanked it shut. Admittedly, I'm not exactly a weakling, so I may have used a bit of unnecessary brute force. But then again, I'm not exactly Superman.

"Ah... PFY? Where does the owner live? Near saltwater by any chance?"

"Yeah, at the ocean. How did you kn... Oh..."

I was holding the door in my hand. At arm's length. The door was no longer attached to the car. The hinges, what was left of them, were completely rusted through.

"Well, just fit the door back into the frame and hold it closed. My cousin has a welding torch. We'll just weld it back on, later. My cousin's sister's boyfriend's brother won't notice."

So off we went, with me holding the passenger door in place. And slowly getting the cramp of an eon in my hand. Ah, did I mention that it was Tuesday? And the sixth of the month, no less? My unlucky day? The day that makes Friday the thirteenth on a full moon seem like the luckiest day in your life? Ah, well…

"Slow down, PFY! That truck in front of us just lost cargo!"

The anti-blocking brakes on the BMW where working perfectly. Unluckily, several things happened before the rust bucket came to a complete stop. I tensed my legs to stop myself from being flung forward. The floor gave way under my left foot, trapping it in a grip of rusty metal. The door, being as you may recall officially detached from the rest of the vehicle, spun out of my hand and wedged itself horizontally in the doorframe. An inch lower, and I wouldn't need to shave anymore. And finally the red car behind us, having driven too close as most red cars do, softly bumped into our rear bumper at about five KM/h. The passenger airbags decided to activate and instantly expanded, pressing the door down on top of me and wedging it even more into the frame.

The PFY of course, was unscathed. And his air bag stayed closed.

It took the police and ambulance forty minutes to get to us, and thirty of those minutes the PFY spent giggling, the cad.

Luckily the local police are equipped with car sized can openers. After ninety minutes that seemed to me to last a week, I was finally extracted from the BMW. A few minor cuts around my ankle, a door handle shaped bruise on my temple from the car door hitting me several times while three police officers were wrenching it out of the doorframe, and second degree burn marks on my wrists from the air bag was all I had suffered.

This was two days ago. The bruises on my head now have a nice yellow purplish hue.

My car is still in repair.

I have an appointment eleven kilometers from the office.

I am walking there...